How to Draw a Sailboat

Step 1: Draw 18 things that are not sailboats.
Step 2: Draw a sailboat.

How to Comb your Hair

Stick a small comb into your pubic hair so it stays. If you don't have pubic hair, grow some. If The comb doesn't stay, grow some more.

Stand on top of a barrel with a pickle and a toothpick, comb still affixed to your genital area. Eat the pickle. Pick pickle out of your teeth with the toothpick. Consider using the toothpick for a comb. As a comb, the toothpick would prove rewarding. Wood feels pleasing to the scalp, and tedium allows for a satisfied soul. But then, the toothpick has been tainted with pickle teeth. No. Discard the toothpick into the open mouth of a sea otter. If no sea otter is available, name your trash can Miranda and throw it in there instead.

Having now dabbled in hair combing foreplay, and having discovered that potential hair combing implements are undesirable when tainted with pickle teeth, retrieve the comb from its pubic entanglement. Blow on it, setting all stray pubic hairs free.

Retrieve a hula hoop. Begin combing as you hula. After running the comb through your hair four times, run the teeth of the comb against your own teeth twice. Repeat this until you have set your hair straight.

Look deeply into the mirror, and tell yourself that you are a magnificent ox. Sturdy and straight. Bow.

How to Sigh

It is time to learn how to properly let out a sigh. The ideal sigh should be filled with an illogical combination of acceptance, longing, and regret. A sigh should last only a moment whilst suggesting a poignant epoch.

First you must buy a plane ticket for somewhere warm and coastal. Fly there, and explore the beaches until you find a purple sea urchin. Photograph this urchin, and return home. Get your photograph printed and attach this photograph to your fridge. Stand with your hands on your hips and admire the moment of urchin. Breathe in deeply through your nose, and exhale a throaty helpless noise lost in a sea of air.

Publishing

Though writing helpful instructions for you is an endeavor I'm excited about and uniquely skilled for, I do not care to have my work published. Publishers want to tell the world things it already knows, or things that cannot possibly be true. My work, as you can see, consists of truths no one seems to know.

How to Scratch an Itch

When an itch lets itself be known, assure the affected area that this situation will soon to be satisfied.

Take an unboiled egg from the fridge, and roll it gently on the itchy skin. Roll until the egg is warm. Roll harder, until it cracks.

Collect the gooey inside of egg, and smear it onto your belly. Allow the shell to tumble away. Form the egg goo into the shape of a timid bunny. Convince your belly bunny to tell you a riddle.

Once you have solved the riddle, dip your finger into the yolkiest part of the bunny. Touch the finger to each toe.

You may wish, at this point, to wash the egg off. Use a sponge if you do. If not, call whoever in your life is nearest to a mother, and tell that person about a beautiful flower you once saw in the springtime.

Requests

Feel free to comment below any entry with a request for a how-to. If there is a task in your life that lacks the depth of experience and love you desire, allow me to help.

How to Cure Hiccups

Should a self-diagnosis find that you are ridden with hiccups, prepare to relieve yourself of this nuisance with these safe and efficient steps.

Step 1: With tweezers, begin plucking out the hairs around your left nipple. This is necessary even if you are a lady with sparse translucent hairs on your chest.

Step 2: When a one inch radius of left-nipple-hairlessness has been achieved, sit down beside an broken rake and meditate for two minutes.

Step 3: Stand, and pluck all of the hairs around your right nipple. The goal, once more, is a one-inch radius.

Step 4: Talk to your feet about sauces.

Congratulations! You are now hiccup-free.

How to Eat a Peanut Butter Sandwich

The following can be adapted to include such substances as jelly and banana.

Sit naked on the floor with your legs outstretched, a loaf of bread and jar of peanut butter within reach. Lean forward, explore your flexibility. Lean further, bending your knees if you must, and lick whatever part of your legs your mouth comes into contact with first.

Open the jar of peanut butter, scoop out your desired amount with your hand, and smear it on your leg where you licked. Take one piece of bread, and press it into the peanut butter so that it sticks.

This next step is best performed with a maraca in each hand. If you do not have maracas, busy your hands with objects of similar percussive qualities.

While your hands keep an upbeat rhythm, lean into your leg sandwich and begin munching upon it. Stay close, being sure to catch any crumbs with your tongue. Remember to notice the smell, as well as the sensations on your leg.

Lick your leg clean, repeat as necessary.

Doing it Wrong

As I sat in the lunchroom today observing my coworkers, I noticed something. This thought swirling around my mind finally became clear - they're doing it wrong.

We, us human animals, are performing even the simplest tasks incorrectly.

Susan, a gargantuan woman who talks endlessly about how little she eats, dipped her spoon into her yogurt, and brought it to her face. She put the spoon in her mouth, and the yogurt disappeared. She repeated this movement, while watching and listening to Todd complain about a customer. Susan sat still, in what I suppose was a comfortable slouch, as Todd talked between mouthfuls of sandwich. Others crossed or uncrossed their legs, scratched itches, chewed food, worked on crosswords, and interacted with each other. All of the time they behaved in ways that we have collectively deemed to be correct.

Six of my coworkers lunched as I watched. They varied from moderately content to intensely frustrated. This is the range of emotions I observe each day in the grey world of Mainstay Building Supplies, Ltd. This is the range of emotions I observe everywhere.

It's quite the time. We can go anywhere, do anything, learn anything. Our endless options leave us miserable. The choice is not enough. Freedom is not enough. We must learn how to use our freedom, our endless options, correctly.

This blog will serve as an instruction manual. By stumbling upon it, you have become open to learning how to get it done right.

How to Drink a Bottle of Gin

Drinking a bottle of gin properly requires a willingness to enter states of intertwined mania and despair and to perform acts otherwise unfathomable. Here you will be guided through this experience.

Step confidently into the liquor store of your choice. Linger here and there within it, and when the moment is right, dedicate yourself to the gin section. Select a bottle, allowing the choice to come from deep within you, knowing that the contents of this bottle shall be the source of joys and tears. Select a large bottle, a bottle that will be with you for a long while. Know that this substance will exist inside and change you. Gin becomes you and beckons you to a land of slippery freedom. Tenderness. Feel tenderness.

Pay for your gin, and compliment the cashier. The cashier has eyelashes, no doubt. Start with the eyelashes.

You may want to purchase mix. Tonic water, a jar of olives for dirtying and garnishing martinis or some variety of juice. How the gin gets inside you is not of concern here. Do it in a way that brings you joy, and makes you feel like the sort of person you've always wanted to be. Make sure it gets inside at a pleasant pace, not to harm you.

Do not consume the entire bottle in one day. One bottle should last through many days, and many episodes of the intense experience of solitude.

When that first dizzying jolt of tipsy strikes, play with it. As if this moment is your very first time drinking. Stand up. Sit down. Spin. Revel in the joy of this newly poisoned brain. This step is difficult for those concerned with maintaining a cool nonchalance.

Pass from tipsy to drunk. Sit in silence. Listen to yourself.

On certain occasions, you will tell you to dance. Stand up, twirl, leap over the furniture, laugh, tenderize yourselves with bruises from every corner of your home.

Other days, you will find yourself wandering to the bath, where you will weep naked and alone in the empty tub.

Drink drink drink.

If you have trouble finding the inspiration to reach the heights of surreal patheticness that drinking a bottle of gin demands, try one of the following scenarios:

1. Explain to your couch everything you know about wax. Wax dolls. Beeswax candles. Wax seals. Wax on, wax off. When you are certain that your couch understands wax, lay down on the floor and weep beside it. Weep to live in a world that has such beautiful things as wax within it. Weep to know so much, and so little, about wax. Put your pinky finger to your nipple when you are done.

2. Set up all the chairs in your home in a row, and lie down across them face-down, with a bunch of old bananas as a pillow. Smell the decay and ponder jousting.

3. Crawl around the floor, much like an aged cat, and explore the nooks of your abode. Open low cupboards, empty them, and try to fit yourself inside. When faced with a cupboard that you could not possibly fit inside, try harder. Languish in defeat or success. If you wake up the next morning inside a cupboard, know that you have succeeded.