How to Draw a Sailboat

Step 1: Draw 18 things that are not sailboats.
Step 2: Draw a sailboat.

How to Comb your Hair

Stick a small comb into your pubic hair so it stays. If you don't have pubic hair, grow some. If The comb doesn't stay, grow some more.

Stand on top of a barrel with a pickle and a toothpick, comb still affixed to your genital area. Eat the pickle. Pick pickle out of your teeth with the toothpick. Consider using the toothpick for a comb. As a comb, the toothpick would prove rewarding. Wood feels pleasing to the scalp, and tedium allows for a satisfied soul. But then, the toothpick has been tainted with pickle teeth. No. Discard the toothpick into the open mouth of a sea otter. If no sea otter is available, name your trash can Miranda and throw it in there instead.

Having now dabbled in hair combing foreplay, and having discovered that potential hair combing implements are undesirable when tainted with pickle teeth, retrieve the comb from its pubic entanglement. Blow on it, setting all stray pubic hairs free.

Retrieve a hula hoop. Begin combing as you hula. After running the comb through your hair four times, run the teeth of the comb against your own teeth twice. Repeat this until you have set your hair straight.

Look deeply into the mirror, and tell yourself that you are a magnificent ox. Sturdy and straight. Bow.

How to Sigh

It is time to learn how to properly let out a sigh. The ideal sigh should be filled with an illogical combination of acceptance, longing, and regret. A sigh should last only a moment whilst suggesting a poignant epoch.

First you must buy a plane ticket for somewhere warm and coastal. Fly there, and explore the beaches until you find a purple sea urchin. Photograph this urchin, and return home. Get your photograph printed and attach this photograph to your fridge. Stand with your hands on your hips and admire the moment of urchin. Breathe in deeply through your nose, and exhale a throaty helpless noise lost in a sea of air.

Publishing

Though writing helpful instructions for you is an endeavor I'm excited about and uniquely skilled for, I do not care to have my work published. Publishers want to tell the world things it already knows, or things that cannot possibly be true. My work, as you can see, consists of truths no one seems to know.

How to Scratch an Itch

When an itch lets itself be known, assure the affected area that this situation will soon to be satisfied.

Take an unboiled egg from the fridge, and roll it gently on the itchy skin. Roll until the egg is warm. Roll harder, until it cracks.

Collect the gooey inside of egg, and smear it onto your belly. Allow the shell to tumble away. Form the egg goo into the shape of a timid bunny. Convince your belly bunny to tell you a riddle.

Once you have solved the riddle, dip your finger into the yolkiest part of the bunny. Touch the finger to each toe.

You may wish, at this point, to wash the egg off. Use a sponge if you do. If not, call whoever in your life is nearest to a mother, and tell that person about a beautiful flower you once saw in the springtime.

Requests

Feel free to comment below any entry with a request for a how-to. If there is a task in your life that lacks the depth of experience and love you desire, allow me to help.

How to Cure Hiccups

Should a self-diagnosis find that you are ridden with hiccups, prepare to relieve yourself of this nuisance with these safe and efficient steps.

Step 1: With tweezers, begin plucking out the hairs around your left nipple. This is necessary even if you are a lady with sparse translucent hairs on your chest.

Step 2: When a one inch radius of left-nipple-hairlessness has been achieved, sit down beside an broken rake and meditate for two minutes.

Step 3: Stand, and pluck all of the hairs around your right nipple. The goal, once more, is a one-inch radius.

Step 4: Talk to your feet about sauces.

Congratulations! You are now hiccup-free.