Fold a sheet of newspaper into a sailor hat, and put it on your head. Lie in the bathtub, toothbrush in hand, feet in the air.Begin brushing. Small circles. Hum songs about the sea, call the ceiling captain, and allow minty froth to explore your cheeks and seep into your hair. Once every tooth is clean, and once your mouth is overtaken with glorious explosions of freshness, slobber for a moment in silence. Kick your legs.
When the moment is just right, burst into the most enthusiastic sea shanty you can muster.
Eventually, rinse.
